I'm not the first to call Donald Trump a narcissist. In fact, during the election, a number of psychologists broke with professional ethics to offer their informal diagnoses publicly. But the vast majority of people are fortunate to have no real conception of what that means. I, unfortunately, do.
When most people hear someone described as a narcissist, it translates in their minds to narcissistic, which is not remotely the same thing. "Narcissistic" is a descriptor of certain types of behavior. "Narcissism" is a personality disorder. It is the difference between saying someone is acting like a "psycho," and saying someone is a psychopath. Most of us recognize the distinction between the erratic behavior of a jealous ex and a personality like Jeffrey Dahmer. Yet with narcissism, perhaps partly because the disorder inherently resists diagnosis, and perhaps because some degree of emotional dependency is necessary in order to experience the full brunt of a narcissist's abuse, the distinction gets blurred.
But we are all as citizens, barring some divine intervention, emotionally dependent on a narcissist for the next four years at least. So buckle up for the abuse.
My knowledge comes from the experience of arguing my self-worth to a narcissist. I did it without knowing what I was dealing with. I did it in good faith, thinking I was speaking to someone who, if I couched my concerns and criticisms in a respectful tone, if I offered honest apologies for my part in our schism, and if I was open and honest about the pain I felt at the actions I was criticizing, rather than expressing any anger or resentment, I had a chance of being heard, and of healing our broken relationship. I was wrong. I was so wrong I didn't know which way was up. I felt like I had wandered into an alternate universe where everything looked the same, but all the rules were different. And eventually, after a long and demoralizing fight, I shut myself out of that world. And I did it by being intentionally hurtful. Not cruel, or malicious, but hurtful in the way only blunt honesty can be.
This experience was not helpful, was not productive, was not useful, and it did not make me feel better about myself or this person in any way. It was traumatic. Only after seeing a therapist, and being given the task by this therapist of researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder, did I find my footing again. Knowledge of what I had encountered, and what I would encounter again if I chose to open up that relationship, did not eliminate the damage, but it certainly helped me understand the rules of that world.
I cannot tell you how triggering it has been to watch this experience play out on a national stage. To know that some of the family who supported me during that time voted for a man who exhibits all of the same behavioral traits as the person who reduced me to such a pitiful state. And to watch as democrats attempt to adjust their tone, make sure their criticisms are fair, apologize for their role in the situation, and maintain their stance of arguing in good faith, when I know in my bones it is a failed strategy. To watch almost an entire nation make the same mistakes I did is excruciating. So I will venture to tell you what I have learned. Both the hard way, and from research.
"Narcissistic," as a descriptor, implies an overinflated sense of self-importance. As such, it is natural to assume that "narcissism" is simply an extension of that. Early psychological understanding of the disorder fell along these lines, assuming that narcissists were likely people who had been told they were "special" too often by their parents. More contemporary understanding suggests the opposite. Though it is important to point out that little formal research has been done on the disorder to this day, since as I said before, it resists diagnosis, supplementing official research with personal accounts of those who have had similar experiences to mine can fill out the picture. It is also important to understand that most of these experiences, including my own, are with people who have never been formally diagnosed, since acknowledging the faults of one's behavior runs contrary to the mindset of a narcissist, so there is little incentive to seek help. What follows is simply my understanding, as a confluence of reading official research, secondary accounts, and from my own personal experience, of what the disorder entails.
Most people have a core sense of self-worth. It can be battered, broken, or diminished, but it is there at the center of our personality. It is the foundation we build on. We also have a projection of ourselves as "good" people. But that projection is tethered to our actions. We understand that if we wrong someone, they are likely not to experience our "goodness," unless we are willing to go through the process of atonement. This is essential to understand when dealing with a narcissist, because a narcissist lacks both.
The core of narcissism is a complete lack of self-worth. Imagine trying to build a home on a bottomless pit. Or more to the point, a black hole, whose pull toward despair swallows every attempt to create a lasting, consequential structure. How do you build a personality on top of nothing?
The narcissist's response is not to, but instead to create a projected self-image often, though not necessarily, of greatness. This is where the connection to "narcissistic" behavior arises. While most people project an image of "goodness," the image of a narcissist is often (though, again, not necessarily) loftier. But more important than the exaggeration, it is stagnant. It is untethered to actions.
This creates contradictions, but those contradictions should not be confused with inconsistency. "Donald Trump is a successful businessman." Four bankruptcies and testimony from consumers and contractors contradict that statement. And yet, "Donald Trump is a successful businessman."
Normally, when we criticize someone's self-image, it is in relation to actions taken by that person. And normally, a person criticized thusly is able to maintain their self-image by addressing those actions, because they understand that their sense of self-worth is not reliant on their external projection of self. Nobody is attacking your worth, only your "goodness" in relation to certain actions. We all have a defensiveness that arises in such circumstances, but often we can recognize that what we are defending is not essential to who we are, and ease off of the defensiveness to address the particular issue at hand.
That is not the case with a narcissist. If your self-image is untethered to actions, then it is impossible to see criticism as targeted at anything but the whole. And if there is no core of self-worth to rely on, then that self-image is essential to maintain, and any criticism is therefore desperately important to rebuke, to deny, to delegitimize, or condemn.
It is also important to remember that the self-image of a narcissist is fixed. It does not change with circumstance. So any attack on that self-image is not just unacceptable, but also untrue. If Donald Trump respects women, any actions you can point to that contradict that projection are not just cruel attacks against his character as a whole, they are also completely false. It is axiomatic. It is true because it is true, and to offer any criticism is as preposterous as saying that "2+2=5."
During my experience, I was condescendingly told this was the case almost explicitly, and with absolutely no awareness that this understanding of human relationships ran contrary to everything I had ever known to be true. I was gaslighted in regard to specific, easily contradicted facts, and in regard to my general understanding of cause and effect, morality, and responsibility. It slowly transpired that the only options available to me were complete capitulation or complete rejection. I chose rejection, because capitulation required sacrificing my last ounce of self-worth to the belief that my right to criticize abuse should always be considered unwarranted and disrespectful. It was a question, in the end, not of personal dispute, not of specific disagreement, but of a vision of human interaction that fundamentally denied the importance or even existence of consequence.
My hope is that those reading this will have a similar experience to mine when I read the accounts of others who had confronted narcissists, which is to say, a slow unfolding of recognition. I do not offer any easy solutions for dealing with Trump, because my personal solution was to emotionally divest myself from the relationship, which is untenable when that relationship is with the President. But I will say that Donald Trump does not deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. He does not deserve to be criticized in good faith. It does a disservice to the rights of everyone who needs protection from Trump to engage with him in good faith. Because we need our leaders to stand resolute that our self-worth is not a bargaining chip. It is non-negotiable. Because for Trump, his self-image is non-negotiable. We cannot attack it in any manner, polite or not, that will not result in swift and severe condemnation, so why be polite? It only sends the message to those whose rights are at stake that we must accept the abuse as martyrs to the cause. That the preservation of Trump's self-image is as deserving of our consideration as the self-worth of millions.
One of the things that shook me to my core was being driven to the point where I knowingly said things in my final correspondence that were meant to hurt, and to wound. I had never done that before, and I have never done it since. And it cost me. It cost me because I knew I was capable of it now. All of my moral upbringing taught me that the greatest sacrifice is to lay down your life. But to die for something isn't as consequential as it is to fight for something, because in fighting, there will come a point when you will intentionally cause harm, and that self-knowledge is hard to reconcile.
It is also hard to reconcile oneself to the acknowledgement that there are people, not many, but some, that are beyond the reach of empathy or compassion. That exercising those tactics is fruitless. That you are going to an empty well. But this assessment of Trump is not arbitrary, is not normal, and is not one that I can ascribe to any other politician in my lifetime, Republican or Democrat. I hope that fact can be enough to convince some people that this is not about politics. And I hope that this explanation of what narcissism entails can help in dispelling the belief that Trump is, in some hidden capacity, within reach of appeals to empathy and compassion. That this trauma will only worsen if we do not adjust our tactics to the fierce and unrelenting protection of those who desperately need it right now. Hand-wringing about "going high" is itself capitulation to the premise that our causes are equally just. We can attack Trump without resorting to falsehoods or compromising our values. The truth is on our side. It is time we arm ourselves with that knowledge and prepare to fight.
No comments:
Post a Comment